To disappoint. I think it's one of the most difficult things I've ever done. It's not something you set out to do. It just happens. It happens and there is no forgiveness or mercy. There is only that word and it drops through the air like a knife and goes right into your heart. Disappointed. But I would have my cake and eat it too! I want to live my life the way I see fit, but I want her to be proud of me. I know these two worlds are not possible and they would explode if they coexisted. Is anything left? Is there some middle ground where I get to captain my own life and she can still be proud?
I haven't been able to sleep all week. I keep sitting up in front of my computer, trying to find something to do so I don't have to go to bed. Anything, so I don't have to lay in that dark room and remember how I've let her down, by being myself. Doctorate, healthy relationship, hard worker, responsible...it's not enough. None of it is enough. I could do it all exactly as she wishes and still I'd hear that dreadful word fall into my ear...disappointed. "In me?" In me. But if I said what she wanted and proclaimed beliefs I don't hold...would she let me live in peace? Would I no longer hear echos of her complaints to family and friends. Letters...words of chastisement....subtle hints....shaking heads....disappointment. Must she broadcast her disappointment in me to everyone. Must she outline my every fault and use my refusal to submit as a warped method to obtain attention? Must she?
